What a Day.

Today is Graham and my 5 year anniversary, but this post is not about that. Graham is in Boston for a dear friend's bachelor party and we are off to Blackberry Farm for the weekend on Thursday to celebrate so there will be a post to be had, just not today. Except, of course, to say that I love my husband dearly and am SO thankful to have married him 5 years ago tonight. He has made my dreams come true and I cannot imagine my life without him by my side. But for today, this post is about parenting. Mothering, more specifically.

Now I want to begin this post with a disclaimer. I would not trade my life or what I do for anything in the world. I feel truly blessed and I thank God every day for a husband that I love, 2 healthy and adorable kids, wonderful family and friends, a home that we love and food on our plate. And I am also so thankful that I get to stay home with my kids. It is truly what I always wanted to do.

But, all that being said, I am exhausted. I am drained. Physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. I have read some really refreshing articles and blog posts lately written by moms who are just tired and challenged by mothering. And when I read those things, amazingly, I feel better. Just knowing I am not the only one. In fact, I am in the majority. If you are reading this and thinking, "hmm, I am a stay at home mom and I have no idea what she is talking about. My kids are angels and every day I wake up so excited about every minute with them" then you probably are not only a saint, but in the minority. And I am happy for you, but I do not want to hear from you about it :). Because I felt like I was drowning today. Graham has been traveling more for work lately and through this travel, I have learned my max. I can do ok with him gone for 2 1/2-3 days tops and then I crumble. So today is day 4. And I cried. I cried more than once. I cannot handle telling Carrie to do something more than once. Do it the first time child. I know that potty training is a major adjustment and I know in the scheme of it, she has done awesome, but I am tired of the false alarms. Of throwing Hayes into the nearest baby thing only to get to the potty and nothing happen. I am tired of cooking a dinner that Carrie eats part of and says she doesn't like the other part. And poor, sweet Hayes. She has had a double ear infection this week and it is her 3rd ear infection since end of February and truly, I am tired of going to the doctor and forcing medicines down her throat that she hates. I am tired of reminding Carrie to use her manners and to share and to use her inside voice and not to roll over on her sister.

If someone told me today that they had an amazing job I could take and a wonderful person to take care of my kids, I would say no. I do not want to do anything else. But every now and then, I just want it to be okay for me to say "ya know what? I had a really crappy day." and I want to allow myself to just bend over and cry. I am humbled daily by this task the Lord has put before me. I used to think to myself "what amazing thing will the Lord call me to do in this life?" I did not realize until now that this amazing calling is being a mother. It is a hard road and not for the faint of heart. So for anyone who has done it or who is doing it, my hats off to you. If I did not have a great group of moms surrounding me that can laugh with me as we swap chaotic stories of parenting little ones, I may think I was a crazy person. But I know that that is just part of this job, this calling.

There are 2 hard parts to having Graham gone. One is that I do not have the morning and evening help with the kids and the other part is that I miss talking to an adult after trying to rationalize with a 2 year old all day. I am so thankful my parents live 5 minutes away because my mom has been so helpful in that early evening part when Graham has been gone, but once the kids are asleep and she leaves, I lay on the couch thinking that my day ended with a conversation with a 2 year old and tomorrow my day will begin with a conversation with a 2 year old with nothing inbetween and sometimes, that can challenge one's sanity. (Even when those conversations are really cute and funny!)

So I will end this post saying that I am tired, but thankful. I love these 2 kids to death and am so privileged that God has trusted me to raise them (although today he may have questioned his decision to let me do so ;) ) But these kids make me realize more every day how in need I am of God's grace. I fall at His feet so often thankful for Jesus giving his life to save mine because I am so sinful. Being a mom reveals that to me more than anything else in this life has. So thank you, Lord, for my family and mainly for your love and grace which I so desperately need.

Driving today I heard this song and it was just perfectly timed...
"Glorious Day" by Casting Crowns


One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a Virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He

Word became flesh and the light shined among us
His glory revealed

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary's mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He

Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

'Cause living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He's ascended, my Lord evermore

Death could not hold Him
The grave could not keep Him from rising again

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day
Glorious day

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my beloved one bringing
My Savior Jesus is mine

Living He loved me, dying He saved me
And buried He carried my sins far away
Rising He justified freely forever
One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day
Glorious day, oh, glorious day

Glory be to my God who has saved me and I truly look forward to that glorious day when He returns.